Lambrusco, Lamborghini and the Ark

 It all seemed such a good idea.  Like most of them.  Following the 'Packers Concept' you always need more space to fit all the stuff that you don't need.  The principle says that the space available is always filled, which is why my uncle came to New Zealand for a month with all his travelling necessities in a Sainsbury's carrier bag (and that is true)!

We wanted a shed to put the grass cutter, alpaca food, gardening tools and bikes in.  A lovely concrete floored, 'Napton - on - the -Hillesque' with a coffee machine and velvet lined walls could be built for us for a mere $54000.  A little wooden thing could be sent to us from Timaru or Woodloes for $7000.  It was a deal not to turn down.  The hitch was that we had to have a big tractor with a front fork to get it off the truck and we had to put it together ourselves.  Ali being a dab hand at diagnosing poliomyelitis and my enviable technique of getting a perfect x ray of an oblique mandible every time (53kVp; 3 mAs; 18x24; extremity cassette) we were clearly perfectly qualified to build a shed.

142 pieces of wood, 7 sheets of corrugated iron, hinges, door handle purlins and joists were gingerly brought up to 354's Mt Ararat by Gary, our wonderful next door neighbour farmer who lives 1.5 kms away, on his tractor.

It got off to a good start when we looked at each other and said 'what is a purlin'?  However, I bet a builder doesn't know what a TMJ is.

On the highest point on the estate the ground was prepared.  Flat dry and covered in gravel.  The joists were laid and we were off.  Spirit level, tap, spirit level shovel some more in. The first of the 327 nails was knocked in.  Then the next, and it wasn't 'square.  Out it came and in it went again.  And that wasn't the only time that happened. 

Ali developed the skill of wapping in nails with ferocity, clearly because of the release of pent up energy she has been very nice to me since.   She used the hammer drill and spirit level with the alacrity of a GP giving a steroid injection.

Twenty six years ago, come the spring, one of the things my dear Mum used to get lots of fun from was Radio Cumbria’s ‘Lamb Bank’.  It would start with bleating and then a little statement, “it is lambing time in the Lake District, please keep your dogs under control”, after which the farmers told us all about wayward lambs, orphaned lambs and offers of lambs for people to look after.  

Lois, our wonderful next door neighbour farmer had a lamb who had been found in a ditch, and another who had lost its mum.  The Golden Lamb Hotel was built with a corner room and a very smart straw based SleepyHead bed.  Lambrusco and Lamborghini took up residence and seem to be very happy.

Besties!!

Actually, they are cute +++, cute on steroids.  Why is it that when you are on call and the phone rings you curse, swear and generally pretend all phone lines are down and the phone is on ‘silent’ and then mutter unutterables under your breath as you drive in to take an x ray of someone’s dying Mum.  When it is 02.00 am and a little Lambrusco wants 150mls of warm powdered milk, oh no, that is fine.  With the joys of a gambolling guizer, a leaping lamb I frolic in my bed wear down the stairs to go out outside into a howling gale with drizzle and enjoy feeding a Lamborghini.  There is an involuntary reaction and a direct relationship between the delight at a bottle of milk and the speed of the wagging tail.   For a little lambie feeding is exhausting.  It’s straight back to the EazeeSleep bed for both of us.

The purlins are up, roof is on, the builders paper in place and the doors about to be hung.  With the perfection of a lateral knee x ray, top to bottom the door fits.  Clearly we can follow instructions.  Or so we thought.  Side to side they are about 3 mms too wide.  If after never having built a shed before we only had to take it slightly apart twice and the door didn’t fit …. We’re pretty chuffed.

It is waterproof, not a leak but little did I know that the highest and driest point on our Mt Ararat turned into a river the moment it started hosing it down with rain.  The shed may soon be turning into an ark.  Oh the irony, 2 alpacas, 2 of us, 2 lambs and for a moment I thought we also had a pushmepullyou although I’m not sure if we have 1 or 2.  

Soon we’ll be ready to set sail.  Usefully it has a moat around it.  Our stuff is safe.

The good news is that despite the gale that has just blown through, my latest impressive erection is still standing and hasn’t budged.  We have been told, like a tent, we should peg it down.  Each corner has a 5 foot waratah banged in about 3 feet and the yakshack is tied to that. Eventually it had an offical opening with local dignatories making emminent speaches.

The gale was a southerly which down here is the cold wind, blowing straight from Antarctica.  2 new big wood burners keep us toasty cosy warm.  One of them heats our water up to 85 degrees and we cook on it and in the oven.  We’ve still got about 2000 pine trees so I think we’ll be ok for a short while for hot food and water.

I’m sitting here listening to the news.  Alarm levels are high as there is ONE community case of Covid 19.  Jacinda is about to present to the nation. Yup the country is in level 4 lockdown.  Being up here in our remote patch suddenly feels very different.  Hmmm, well, not really.

A missive from me would be lacking without a rant.  Don’t get me started on anti-vaxxers, deniers and the plight of the Afghanis.  Tony Blair seems to be deafening in his silence and priti patel is deafening with her total lack of compassion.  I’m doubtful about the wisdom of taking an airplane off knowing people were clinging to it.  Nuff said.

Yes, it did all seem like such a good idea to build a shed when we’ve never built a thing before and such a good idea to get Lambrusco and Lamborghini when we’ve had neither before.  

Lockdown Lambhorgini Yoga.

The next good idea was to enjoy another erection.  This time to house a solar panel for a water pump.  We only have 1 22000 litre water tank, so we are getting another.  The only way to fill it is from a spring 120 metres away, and 61 metres below the tank.  Unlike my words I’m hoping the spring doesn’t run dry and the sun shines ….. Otherwise it's a bath in the river. In a couple of months the tank should arrive, which we have to be ready to fill with water straight away to prevent it getting blown away. Guess what tomorrow's job is. 150 metres black 20mm alkathene pipe, pump and connection.

Some have said “living the dream”, sheds, lambs, solar, lockdown and a Wigan win.  Just what is reality?